Categories
Satire Writing

‘C’mon, guy, do me a solid,’ says FBI

(Originally published on www.britishbullsh.it. Click here for more of my articles.)

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The FBI has asked Apple CEO Tim Cook to “be a bro and just unlock this iPhone”, it can be revealed.

In a phone call last Friday, FBI Director James B. Comey was quoted as saying “Hey buddy do me this favour will you? The boss is bustin’ my balls here.”

He reportedly continued, “It’ll just be this one time, I swear.”

The friendly mano-a-mano request quickly turned to pestering after repeated refusal from the Apple boss, who replied “Listen man even if I wanted to, I wouldn’t be able to,” to which the reported FBI response was “Bullshit.”

Discussions between the two parties continued over the weekend but have reportedly escalated into irritated hectoring, with sources close to the pair revealing the powwow wasn’t far from becoming “full verbal assault.”

These latest revelations will not be welcomed by the FBI after last week’s embarrassing news that agents had attempted to get into the device by calling Apple’s support helpline and impersonating the deceased owner.

The ruse failed after requests for the security question were answered with “Look buddy just help me out here”.

Categories
Satire Writing

Enterprising London commuter discovers it’s cheaper to work, live elsewhere

(Originally published on www.britishbullsh.it. Click here for more of my articles.)

Does not commute: IT boffin and ex-Londoner Paul Tunnock crunched the numbers and saved himself a fortune.

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Computer bod Tunnock, now living in Clackmannan, Scotland. Photograph: @marktee

After 8 years of living and commuting within the larger London area, tech whiz Paul Tunnock, 41, had finally had enough of London’s extortionate house prices and cost of living, and turned his prodigious programmer talents to finding a solution to his money woes.

The gleeful geek typed up an algorithm which, after plugging in a series of spreadsheets of housing market data, wages, and cost of living indices, clunked out an answer. The machine’s advice? To not live or work in London.

“It was really quite obvious in retrospect,” laughs Tunnock, who promptly upped sticks and moved his family to Clackmannan in Scotland.

“My wife wouldn’t believe it at first,” he continues, sitting on a bench in Johnstone & Cochrane Park, shoulders hunched against the wind and driving rain.

“She kept crying and asking me if I was serious. But the machine doesn’t lie. We’re living the dream out here. Yesterday I bought a car for the price of a mixed salad!”

Tunnock’s revelation comes months after fellow ex-Londoners Gary Bule and David Lawrie performed their own great escapes: the former commuting from Barcelona, and the latter from the beaches of Barbados.

Categories
Satire Writing

British Bull – Adventures in Satire

So I’ve agreed to start writing for a news satire website (because the internet clearly needs another one) that a couple of my friends set up: British Bull (note the url for a clearer indication of the level of humour we’re aiming at here)

This is my first time writing “news” and my first time writing creatively in a long time, so bear with me — it may take me some time.

That said, please check out my first article and leave any comments below.


Enterprising London commuter discovers it’s cheaper to work, live elsewhere